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J. FISCHER & BRO. 

7, 8 & 11, Bible House 



New York 



"ftbetr Xorfcsbipe" 

BY 

EDITH M. BURROWS 

Cast of Characters 

Mrs. Augustus Smythe-Brown, 

A lady with social aspirations 
Mr. Augustus Smythe-Brown, 

Her unaspiring husband, who is also very deaf 
Betty Smythe-Brown, 

Dorothy Smythe-Brown, ; Their children ; all young 
Will Smythe-Brown, j college graduates. 

James Smythe-Brown, 

Ned Hill Harvard friend of the boys 

Mrs. Montgomery Social dictator 

Olivia Montgomery, 

bjer daughter, with dramatic leanings 
Lord Ransome,:.; 

Young Englishman ; friend of the Smythe-Browns 
Maid and Butler. 



COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY J. FISCHER & BRO. 
BRITISH COPYRIGHT SECURED 



PERFORMANCE RIGHT RESERVED 
(SEE NOTICE SECOND PAGE COVER) 



J.F.&B.3664 Q ^ iig g 3 & ? 



TMP92-003755 



Act I. 

Scene. — Room at the Smythe-Brozvns in Cambridge. 

Time. — Afternoon of the Harvard-Yale football 
game. 

Betty, Dorothy, James and Will discovered as cur- 
tain rises. 

James (taking out watch). — By what trains do these 
guests of ours arrive, Betty? 

Betty. — Ned comes on the three-thirty, Lord Ran- 
some on the four-fifteen, and the Montgomerys motor 
down ; probably they'll arrive about four o'clock. 

Will (coming out from behind newspaper with a 
yawn). — The Montgomerys. Save the mark. What- 
ever made you invite destruction in the person of that 
awful old woman, is more than I can figure out. 

Dorothy. — Will, you are perfectly horrid. Mrs. 
Montgomery is a little odd at times — (groans from the 
boys) but she is a very important person, socially, and 
one must be nice to her. Besides (mischievously) 
there is Olivia, and I haven't heard you objecting very 
seriously to her. 

James. — Oh, Olivia is another matter. Couldn't we 
have had her without the dragon ? But I suppose Mama 
would never consent to her coming alone, when there 
is to be a nice eligible young nobleman to be angled 
for. (Mimics.) "Come, Olivia dear, I'm sure Lord 
Ransome would like to hear about your stay in Paris 
this Spring." Can't you just see it? 

Betty. — Boys, really you are dreadful. I do hope 
you'll try to be a little bit decent, when our guests 
arrive. And for pity's sake, don't get your heads so 
full of that Harvard-Yale game, that you can't even 
converse. 

Enter Mrs. Smythe-Broivn in great excitement, wav- 
ing telegram. 

Mrs. S. B. — Girls, the most awful thing has hap- 
pened. Lord Ransome telegraphs that business in 

J. F.&B.3664 iii 



New York is detaining him and he may not get here 
until a week later than he expected. 

General consternation among members of S.-B. I 
family. 

James {recovering). — Well, now you have done it. 
(Whistles.) I take it, that Mrs. Montgomery and the 
fair Olivia are banking on his lordship's presence? 

Mrs. S.-B. — Why the whole thing is perfectly 
ghastly. I fairly begged them to come, using him as 
an inducement. They gave up some other engage- 
ments to spare us two days, though I urged them to 
stay a week. And now when she finds that Lord Ran- 
some is not here, Mrs. Montgomery will be furious. 

Will (under his breath). — That's her natural state, 
from anything I've been able to observe. 

Mrs. S.-B. (sharply).— What's that? 

Will. — Oh, nothing. 

Mrs. S.-B. — Well, I wish it were something. Can't 
any of you suggest some way out. I'm nearly frantic 
and they are due here shortly. 

James. — Oh thunder, mother, how can you expect 
us to think of anything to-day? Have you forgotten 
the Harvard- Vale game? That's enough excitement 
for one day. 

Mrs. S.-B. — I'm sorry to say that that excitement 
doesn't help me one bit. It's the first time that we've 
entertained these people and their stay is to be so 
short, that I wanted particularly to — (pauses). 

Will. — Make a big impression while they were 
here. Eh? The only thing that I can suggest is that 
somebody'll have to be Lord Ransome. 

Mrs. S.-B. — Why, what do you mean? 

Will. — Just what I say. Somebody will have to be 
Lord Ransome for two days. I say, has the "dragon" 
ever seen Xed ? 

Betty. — \"o, I'm sure they've never met. Why? 

Will. — Why, because Ned's going to be Lord Ran- 
some. 



J. F. & B..Wr\ 



All. — Ned is going to be Lord Ransome? 

Maid (announcing). — Mr. Hill. 

Enter Ned. All exchange greetings. 

Dorothy. — Oh, Ned, we're awfully glad to see you. 
We certainly are in a scrape. 

Ned. — What is it? Thought I heard a chorus 
chanting my name as I came in, but I wasn't sure. 

Will. — You'll be sure in a minute, old man. You 
heard two of your names, the one you have always 
gone by and the one you are going to adopt for the 
next two days. 

Ned. — What in creation are you talking about? 

Will. — Your names; old one, Ned Hill; new one, 
Lord Ransome. Oh, I say, old chappie, — (aping 
English manner) don't look so dazed, you know. 

Ned. — I always thought you were crazy and now I 
know it. Would it be too much to ask you to explain ? 

Will. — Certainly, I was just coming to that, you 
see . 

Dorothy. — Oh, let me do it. You see . 



Mrs. S.-B. (Interrupting).—! will tell* Ned. The 
fact is that Mrs. Montgomery and her daughter are 
coming here for a week-end visit with the express 
purpose of meeting Lord Ransome, who was to be 
here at the same time, — (pauses). 

Ned. — Yes, but I don't see 

Mrs. S.-B. — But the awful part of it is that Lord 
Ransome has just telegraphed that he cannot get here 
when we expected him. 

Ned. — Yes, I understand that part of it. What I 
can't see is, where I come in. 

Will (interrupting). — You come in as Lord Ran- 
some, haven't I just told you? 

Ned. — But you can't be in earnest. I couldn't 
think of 

Will. — Nobody wants you to think. There isn't 
time to think, just act and save the day. We'll all 
stand by you and you know College theatricals were 
always your strong point. 

J. F. &B.3664 v 



Mrs. S.-B. (weakly protesting). — I can never con- 
sent to such an outrageous thing 

Betty. — Oh, mother, please hush. It's only a joke 
— and remember Mrs. Montgomery. (Mrs. S.-B. sub- 
sides at mention of this dread name.) 

Dorothy. — Yes, it's only for two days and Ned will 
save our lives. Please do, Ned. You'll never have to 
see the Montgomerys again and it will only be fun 
for us all. 

Ned. — Um, yes, 'specially fun for me. (Strikes at- 
titude of Orator.) "Some men have greatness thrust 
upon them." Yours truly seems to be among them, so 
here goes. (English accent.) Only fancy, you know. 

Will (laughs). — Oh, you'll do. 

Dorothy and Betty. — That's great. 

James. — That's lovely for the accent, how about the 
laugh, can you do it? 

Ned. — Can I do it? English laugh is my middle 
name. Listen now. "Charming little place, Mrs. 
Montgomery, so near the College. Isn't it remark- 
able how devoted the American men are to their Col- 
leges? Ha, ha, ha, — ha." Can you beat it? 

Will. — You're perfect now, but for one thing. 

Ned. — A monocle. I knew it. I felt that thing com- 
ing, but I thought I wouldn't hurry it along any, as 
it'll probably put my eye out. Ah, well (resignedly), 
sorry I don't happen to have one about me now. 

Betty. — I know Dorothy — the very thing. Haven't 
you still the one you used in our Senior Play at Col- 
lege ? 

Dorothy. — Sure enough; it ought to be right here 
in the desk, too (rummaging through desk). Ah, here 
it is — (pulls out monocle with black ribbon). 

Will. — The last touch (puts monocle on Ned). 
There now, you're all dressed up. That's right, open 
your mouth, you looked too intelligent with it shut. 

Ned (glaring). — Is there anything else I can do for 
you? 

J. F. &B.3664 vi 



James. — You're a brick, it's up to us to do some- 
thing for you, name your price. 

Ned. — Only keep me posted to-day on the score of 
the game. Don't forget or I may gnaw my knuckles 
with anxiety and forget to speak my piece to the lady, 
who is coming especially to meet me. Say, who is 
Lord Ransome, anyway? 

Betty. — Oh, he's just a young Englishman we met 
abroad last summer, gifted with money, but not notice- 
ably with brains, so your part doesn't call for much 
mental effort. 

Ned. — Thank Heaven for that. How many of the 
family does his Lordship know? 

Mrs. S.-B. — Oh just Betty, Will and myself. Doro- 
thy and James were in Scotland with their father at 
the time and didn't meet him. 

Will. — That reminds me; don't you think it about 
time we let father in on this deal? He's very deaf but 
he always hears the things we don't want him to, and 
he may make trouble if we don't explain carefully. 

Mrs. S.-B. — Of course your father should be told if 
this ridiculous plan is to be carried out, but I 

Whole Family. — Remember the Montgomerys. 

Mrs. S. B. (succumbing). — Oh, all right. James, 
will you call your father, please? 

(Exit James.) 

Betty. — You'd better let me explain. Father al- 
ways hears me best. 

{Enter Mr. S.-B. and James.) 

Betty. — Father, this is Ned Hill, a college friend 
of the boys. 

Mr. S.-B. — Glad to know you Mr. Hill, I've often 
heard of you. 

Ned. — Thank you, sir ; I'm glad to meet you. 

Betty. — For two days, he's going to take the part 
of Lord Ransome. 

Mr. S.-B. (smiles benignly). — Handsome? No, but 
very good looking. 

Betty (screaming) . — No — no— he isn't handsome at 

J. F. &B.3664 vii 



all. (Ned makes face at her.) I said, Ransome; he's 
going to be Lord Ransome. 

Mr. S.-B. — Lord Ransome, oh, beg pardon; J 
thought my daughter said you were Mr. Hill. 

Betty (shouts). — He is Mr. Hill, but he's going to 
pretend 

Mr. S.-B. — I can hear you perfectly, don't shout so, 
it annoys me. 

Betty. — But you see father 

Mrs. S.-B.— There, Betty, that will do; I will ex- 
plain to your father later on. Thomas will take your 
things up, Ned. You young people had better stay 
here and I will join you as soon as I have told your 
father of the plan. Come along Augustus. 

Mr. S.-B. (protesting). — But I heard what Betty 
said, only she either mumbles her words or shouts 
at me. 

Mrs. S.-B. (from distance). — Augustus? 

Mr. S.-B. — Yes, I'm coming. 

(Exit.) 

Will (anxiously). — I do hope mother doesn't 
"mumble her words" or the whole plan will be ruined. 
Father might choose it as a subject for dinner con- 
versation to-night. 

James. — Oh, it will be all right now. Are you 
ready Ned? 

Ned (Strikes dramatic attitude). — Keady — Aim — 
Fire. 

Maid (announcing). — Mrs. Montgomery and Miss 
Olivia Montgomery. 

Ned. — Holy Cats! (arranges himself hastily). 

(Enter Mrs. Montgomery and Olivia.) 

Betty. — Oh, how do you do. You know my sister, 
Dorothy, I think ; and my brothers, Will and James ? 

Mrs. M. — How do you do. (Both she and Olivia 
bow in indifferent manner, then glance toward Ned.) 

Betty. — Mrs. Montgomery, may I present Lord 
Ransome, and Miss Montgomery, Lord Ransome? 

Ned. — Chawmed, I'm sure. 

J. F. &B.3664 viii 



Mrs. M. {effusively) . — We are very glad to meet 
you Lord Ransome. How do you like our country? 
Mrs. Smythe-Brown tells me it is your first visit. 

Ned. — Very chawming country, I'm sure. 

(As Mrs. M. turns to seat herself, James speaks to 
Ned.) 

James (aside). — Say, can't you say something else 
next time? (Ned nods.) 

Mrs. M. — Come, Olivia, my dear, I'm sure you and 
Lord Ransome have mutual acquaintances in England. 

Olivia (dutifully). — You are an Oxford man, Lord 
Ransome ? 

Ned. — Aw — aw — yes. 

(Enter Mrs. S.-B.) 

Mrs. S.-B. (gushingly). — Well, this is a pleasure, 
dear Mrs. Montgomery, and Olivia, too. We are very 
glad to see you. 

Mrs. M. (bored). — Oh, how do you do, Mrs. 
Smythe-Brown. 

Olivia. — How do you do. 

Mrs. S.-B. — Mr. Smythe-Brown will be so sorry to 
have missed you, he was called to town, but will be 
here for dinner. 

Mrs. M. — We hardly expected to get here — had to 
give up two other engagements to do it; but you see 
we are here. 

Mrs. S.-B. (purringly). — Yes, it was very sweet 
of you to come. Wouldn't you like to go to your 
rooms now, and join us afterwards for tea? 

(Exeunt Mrs. S.-B., Mrs. M. and Olivia.) 

Betty. — Thank Heaven, that part's over. Now for 
the fray. 

Ned. — You bet, "now for the fray." James (severe- 
ly), if you butt in on my conversation with that lady 
grenadier again, you will get something you don't 
want, later on — see. Penalty for first offence is to go 
out and find out the score of the game. 

Will. — Yes, and that reminds me of what we're all 
missing, but father. "Called to town," indeed. I 

J. F. &B.3664 ix 



wish I could be "called to town" for that same busi- 
ness — Yale-Harvard game. 

(All three boys groan.) 

Ned (to James). — Hence minion and find out the 
score. 

James. — "I flies to do your bidding." 

Ned (moodily). — Wish to goodness I was doing the 
flying. 

Will. — Cheer up, you're doing beautifully, you look 
and act like a perfect fool. 

Ned (heatedly).— Well, I like that. (Grins.) All 
right, you get the next score for me when I say so. 
Savez 't 

(Butler has entered and arranged tea tray.) 

(Re-enter ladies. Betty pours tea. Dorothy with- 
drazvs to window. Olivia seats herself near Ned.) 

Olivia. — Of course the custom of afternoon tea is 
second nature to you English people. I prefer the 
German idea of coffee. 

Ned (adjusting monocle). — Aw, fancy, indeed. 

Olivia (handing him cup of tea). — I suppose you 
know that this is the day of the Harvard- Yale game? 
Do you know anything about football, as it is played 
in the American colleges, Lord Ransome? 

Ned (forgetting). — You bet I do — (horrified) 
chawming game. Aw how do you like my American 
slang, Miss Montgomery? Ha, ha, ha, ha. 

Olivia. — Oh, very much indeed — you do it well, too. 

(Enter James and crosses to Ned.) 

Ned (aloud). — May I have some more tea, please? 
Thanks. (Whispers to James.) What's the score, 
what's the score? Hurry up or be choked. 

Mrs. M. — Did you say the tea choked you, Lord 
Ransome? Olivia, my dear, you shouldn't make Lord 
Ransome talk when he is trying to take his tea. 

(Ned chokes loudly and violently, under cover of 
which James whispers.) 

James. — 5 — favor Harvard. ( Ned grins.) 

J. F. & B. 3664 x 



{Cheers outside.) 

Betty. — James, do you suppose we could get the 
score of the game soon, if we sent some one out? I 
thought I heard some cheering. 

James (eagerly). — Sure thing, I'll go if Will 
doesn't want to. 

Ned (looks meaningly at Will). — I'm sure your 
brother wants to go, don't you old fellow? (Pokes 
him.) 

Will (hastily). — Yes, indeed. I'll go and find out 
all that can be learned about Yale's awful fate — if 
you'll excuse me. (Exit.) 

Mrs. S.-B. — You see these young people are all so 
interested in Harvard, because my sons and Ned are 
Harvard men. 

Mrs. M. — Ned? 

Betty (hastily). — A college friend of my brothers, 
whom we expected to have with us this week. 

Mrs. M. — Oh! (to Ned) Lord Ransome, in just 
what part of England is your home? 

Ned (drops cup ivith crash, and Mrs. S.-B. and 
Mrs. M. spring up out of way, while he and Betty 
both stoop for it — whispers). — Where is my home, 
quick ? 

Betty. — In Berkshire. 

Ned (aloud). — Awfully sorry, you know, beastly 
stupid of me. Hope I haven't hurt anything? 

Betty. — Oh, no, indeed. 

Ned (still on his knees). — I beg your pardon, Mrs. 
Montgomery, I believe you said something to me be- 
fore my accident. 

Mrs. M. — I asked where your home is. 

Ned. — Oh, yes, in Berkshire. 

Mrs. M. — Indeed, it is very beautiful there. 

Ned. — Aw, chawming, quite — (rashly) nice peo- 
ple, too. 

Mrs. M. — Olivia, my dear, don't you know some 
one in that section? 

J. F. & B. 3664 *i 



Olivia. — Yes, mama. Do you know the Darrells 
of Highgate, Lord Ransome? 

Ned {looks at James, who shakes his head, No). — 
Aw, no I don't — you see I'm rather a hermit and all 
that sort of thing. 

Olivia. — How interesting. 

Dorothy (coming from windozv). — Listen, every- 
body, the Harvard cheers. 

(Enter Will in great haste.) 

Will. — Hooray — Game's over and Harvard won — 
10—0. 

(Will, James and Ned jump up and give the Har- 
vard cheer, zvhile Betty tries to catch Ned's eye and 
fails. ) 

Mrs. M. (surprised) . — Isn't it remarkable how en- 
thusiastic Lord Ransome is about the American game ? 

Dorothy. — Yes, you see — he had a very intimate 
friend who went to Harvard, and he's always been 
interested in it. 

Mrs. M. (to Ned, who has recovered and is hor- 
rified). — I was just remarking on your enthusiasm, 
Lord Ransome. One might almost think you had a 
personal interest in Harvard. 

Ned (gasps, looks around — finding no help, begins). 
— Well, the fact is, you see, I have. My great grand- 
father was a cousin of John Harvard; so the family 
has always been interested. 

Mrs. M. — Of course, naturally. It wasn't entirely 
then for your friend that you cheered ? 
. Ned (dazed). — Friend — what friend? 
^ Will (hastily). — Mrs. Montgomery means the 
friend who came from America and was in Oxford 
with you, the one who told you so much about Har- 
vard — oh, you know (glares at Ned). 

Ned (completely dazed). — Aw — yes — ha — ha — ha — 
ha. 

James. — Don't laugh now, you idiot ; old lady's get- 
ting suspicious. 

Mrs. M. — Olivia, I think we will go to our rooms 

J. F. &B. 3664 xii 



now to rest for awhile before dinner. 

Mrs. S.-B. (following) . — I will go with you to see 
that you have all that you wish. (Exeunt.) 

Dorothy (sighs deeply). — That time we got you 
safely out Ned Hill, but if you ever make another 
break like that, I won't answer for the consequences. 

Will. — Nor I, you blithering idiot. What did you 
want to cheer for? 

James. — That wasn't half as bad as that laugh he 
indulged in. 

Betty. — Yes, that was ghastly. 

Ned. — Say, when you all get through, I'd like to 
say something. What do you think I'm doing this 
stunt for — pleasure? Because if you do, you're mis- 
taken. I never spent such an afternoon in my life, 
and I'm nearly dead. (Mopping his face.) Whew, 
I don't see how I can live through another day of it. 

All. — Please do, and we'll all stand by you. 

(Enter Mrs. S.-B.) 

Mrs. S.-B. — Really, I don't know whether to be 
pleased or alarmed at the prospect, but Mrs. Mont- 
gomery has just told me that she and Olivia were able 
to arrange to stay here a week after all, instead of 
just two days. 

All. — A week! 

(Tableau of consternation. Ned pretends to faint 
in chair as curtain goes down.) 

Act II. 

Scene. — Room at Smythe-Browns. 

Time. — Four days after Act I. 

(Ned, Will and James discovered as curtain rises.) 

Ned. — Never before did I realize what an awful 
thing nervous prostration is, but I've been on the 
verge of it for the past three days. 

Will. — Never mind, you've done wonders and the 
worst is over. 

Ned. — You mean the worst is yet to come. Think 
of doing that theatrical stunt to-night with Olivia 

J. F. &B. 3664 Xiii 



under the dragon's watchful eye and not making any 
breaks. It gives me a nervous chill just to think of 
it. B-r-r-r-r. 

James. — Say, that dramatic coach of ours is due to 
show up this morning, isn't he? 

Will. — Sure thing. And that reminds me that be- 
fore we go out, I must tell Thomas what to do with 
him if he gets here before we do. (Rings bell.) 

Ned. — Yes, for Heaven's sake let's get out quickly, 
too. This morning walk of ours, while you are pre- 
tending to show me the historic spots of interest, is 
the only thing that keeps me from a terrible suicide. 

(Enter butler.) 

Thomas. — Did you ring, sir? 

Will. — Yes, Thomas, we are going out for a short 
walk and will be back about half past ten. We are 
expecting a coach for the play we are going to give 
to-night and should he come before we get back, you 
will please bring him in here. 

Thomas. — Yes, sir. Anything else, sir? 

Will. — No, that will do. (Exit Thomas.) 

Ned. — Now let's make a dash for the open, before 
the enemy is upon us. I hear the girls' voices now. 
(Exeunt.) 

(Enter Olivia and Dorothy.) 

Dorothy. — Dear me ; I do hope that performance of 
ours is going to be a success to-night. Your part is 
the most strenuous Olivia. When are you going to 
do your final practicing as the lady villain? 

Olivia. — I'd like to go over that blood-curdling 
scene of mine, sometime later on this morning. Do 
you suppose I could use this room for rehearsing? 

Dorothy. — Certainly, and we'll tell everybody to 
keep away so you won't be disturbed. But you'll go 
over the scene before that, with me first, won't you? 

Olivia. — Yes, and let's do that now, so that I can 
come up here in a few minutes for that raving act. 

(Exeunt girls. Enter Thomas and Lord Ransome.) 

Thomas. — Yes, sir, you was expected, sir. Mr. 

J.F. &B.3664 xiv 



Will told me to bring you right in here and tell you 
to wait until they returned from walking. 

Lord R. — But I think you are making a mistake. 
Are you sure that they expected me? I didn't send 
any word that I was coming to-day. 

Thomas. — Oh, yes, sir. They expected you all 
right. Just wait here and they'll return presently. 
(Exit Thomas.) 

Lord R. — Remarkable. Now how could they know 
that I was coming to-day, when I didn't know it my- 
self until late last evening. Strange indeed are the 
things that happen in this country. (Thinking) Queer 
though that none of the family are here to receive me 
if I was expected — deuced queer. Suppose I may as 
well make myself jolly comfortable until the mystery 
is solved. (Sinks into armchair behind screen.) Oh, 
I say, this is good after a night's travel (doses off). 

(Enter Olivia with her part in her hand.) 

Olivia (natural voice). — Guess I'll begin at this 
part. (Tragic voice) Hence, curs't remorse, what have 
I to do with remorse? (Lord R. awakes) A woman 
who can kill, must be a woman who can laugh after- 
ward (blood curdling laugh). (Lord R. shudders and 
peers out from behind screen.) Ah, now I am my- 
self again, and were my victim only here how gladly 
I would take his life and laugh without remorse for- 
ever. Ha, how I hate all men. 

Lord R. (aside). — Good heavens. (Backs toward 
door and exits.) 

Olivia (natural voice). — There, I think that went 
off rather well. Now I wonder if the men have come 
back? I need Lord Ransome for this next part. 

(Goes to door and calls) 

"Lord Ransome!" 

(Lord R. appears at opposite door; he and Olivia 
both gaze at each other transfixed with horror.) 

Olivia (shrieks). — A strange man (runs). 

Lord R. (hoarsely). — The crazy woman. (Runs in 
opposite direction.) 

(Re-enter Olivia with Thomas.) 

J. F. &B.3664 XV 



Olivia. — Oh, Thomas, he was right here. A strange 
man and he was coming toward me when I ran. Where 
do you suppose he is now ? 

Thomas. — In this room, was he, Miss? Oh, then, 
it's all right. It was the coach for the play, you saw. 
He was expected this morning, you know, and I 
brought him in here to wait. 

Olivia. — Really, Thomas ? Then what a fool I 
made of myself, and whatever will the man think of 
me? 

(Exeunt Olivia and Thomas.) 

Lord R. (coming stealthily back, mopping his 
brozv). — Well, upon my word. They didn't tell me 
there was a crazy member of the family. And I 
could have sworn that I heard her call my name. I 
just heard a man talking to her now, suppose that 
must have been her keeper. This sort of thing is 
beastly for a man's nerves, you know. 

(Sits down behind screen and picks up book. Enter 
Dorothy and Mr. S.-B.) 

Dorothy. — ^re you going to stay in here, father? 
Well, then, if the coach for the play comes, will you 
tell him that we will be ready for him, just as soon 
as the boys come back. 

Mr. S.-B. — Yes, yes. Now let me read my paper 
in peace. 

(Exit Dorothy.) 

Lord R. — The family at last. Now is my time to 
introduce myself, though evidently this part of the 
family is not expecting me. (Approaching Mr. S.- 
B.) Ahem. Beg pardon, sir, but are you Mr. Smythe- 
Brown ? 

(Mr. S.-B. not hearing him, sits perfectly still and 
keeps on reading.) 

Lord R. (louder). — Beg pardon, I say, but are you 
Mr. Smythe-Brown ? 

Mr. S.-B. — Hey — oh, did you speak? 

Lord R. (shouts). — Yes, I asked if you were Mr. 
Smythe-Brown ? 

J, F. & B. 3664 xvi 





Mr. 


s.-: 


sume. 




I 


Lord R, 
am 



B. — Yes, I am. You are the coach, I pre- 
. — Really, no — you are mistaken. You see, 

Mr. S.-B. — Yes — yes, that's all right, they're ex- 
pecting you and will be in shortly. Just make your- 
self comfortable now. I wish to finish my reading. 

Lord R. — But, my dear sir, you don't understand. 
I am 

Mr. S.-B. (testily). — What's that — what's that, 
don't understand ? I understand enough, to know that 
you talk altogether too confounded much. Be quiet, 
sir. / 

Lord R. — But you must hear me. (Shouts) I am 
not the coach, I am Lord Ransome. 

Mr. S.-B. — Well, bless my soul, bless my soul. Why 
didn't you say so in the first place? I'm very glad to 
meet you sir. You are welcome. 

Lord R. — Thank you, Mr. Smythe-Brown. I know 
I came in a rather unexpected way, and I hope my 
coming will not upset your plans any. 

Mr. S.-B. — Oh, not at all — not at all. (Pause ; dur- 
ing zvhich his expression changes to one of uneasi- 
ness.) Er — that is — well, you see, matters may have 
to be adjusted a little bit. Now I tell you what to 
do. You just stay right here in this room for awhile 
until I see Mrs. Smythe-Brown and find out how we 
are going to dispose of Ned. (Exit.) 

Lord R. — "Find out how we are to dispose of Ned." 
Well, this is the most remarkable of all. First I meet 
a butler, who insists that I am expected and ushers 
me in the presence of a mad woman, who has murder 
as her mania, and now my host speaks of "disposing 
of Ned." On my word. I am getting nervous in 
this house. (Sits in same chair as before; enter Will, 
James and Ned.) 

Will. — Say, where in thunder is that coach? 
Thought Thomas said he was to wait here. 

James (gloomily). — Maybe he was the kind of a 
coach that walks off with the family silver. 

J. F. &B.3664 xvii 



Ned. — Oh, heavens, can't you say something cheer- 
ful? This whole farce is dismal enough without your 
croaks. 

Lord R. (gets up and steps forward). — You were 
probably looking for me as the coach, weren't you? 
(Extending hand to Will) Awfully glad to see some- 
one I know. 

Will (staggering back). — Well, what the deuce did 
you come for now? 

James. — What do you want to talk like that to the 
poor man for? Weren't you just kicking, because the 
coach wasn't here? 

Will. — Coach — thunder. Who do you think this 
is? 

James and Ned. — Isn't it the coach? 

Will. — No, my dears, it's Lord Ransome. 

Ned. — Lord Ransome? (Stepping up to Lord R. 
with grin, as he looks him over) "Oh wad some power 
the giftie gie us, To see oursel's as others see us." 

James. — Aw shut up, this is serious, Ned. 

Lord R. — "Ned." So, my young friend, you are 
the one they are going to dispose of? 

Ned. — Not on your life. They'll find out that imi- 
tation lords are as hard to get rid of as real ones. 
(Steps close to Lord R. and links arms with him) 
Aren't we sweet? What are you going to call us, 
"Their Lordships?" 

( Will and James collapse helpless with laughter and 
Lord R. looks dazed.) 

Ned (mimics). — "Aw, shut up. This is serious." 
(Enter maid.) 

Maid. — Gray, the coach, is here, Mr. Will. 

Will. — Tell him we can't see him now; he'll have 
to come back this afternoon. 

Maid. — Yes, sir. (Exit.) 

Will. — Now what is to be done? We really can't 
have two of you. Oh, I say Ransome, I'm sorry. 
Suppose you think you landed in a lunatic asylum. 
But the fact is, we had some peculiar guests, who 

J. F. &B.3664 xviii 



came just to meet you and when you telegraphed that 
you couldn't come — we did the best thing we could 
think of — in ven ted your double; here he is, commonly 
known as Ned Hill. This is my brother James. 

Lord R. {face breaking into smile). — Quite so, a 
clever ruse. Glad to meet you, gentlemen. Now I 
understand your father's remark about "disposing of 
Ned/' 

James. — Great Scott! You don't mean to say that 
father knows you're here? The cause is lost. 

Lord R. — Perhaps he hasn't told anyone yet. 

James. — I'll try to head him off. For mother and 
Mrs. Montgomery have just come in and he may not 
have seen them yet. {Exit.) 

Will. — I'm going to get Betty. She's the best one 
in the family to get people out of scrapes. 

Ned {with emphasis). — Well, you're the best one 
to get them in all right, all right. You ought always 
to keep Betty near you to counteract your crazy ef- 
forts. {Exit Will.) 

Lord R. {looking at Ned). — You Americans are 
great at joking, aren't you? 

Ned. — So we're told, but this isn't exactly my idea 
of a joke. I've been suffering tortures at the hands 
of these Montgomerys. 

Lord R. — Oh, the other guests, I presume? 

Ned. — Yes, darn it, the ones who came to meet you. 
Just think of what I've spared you and be grateful. 
The family got me into this by saying these guests 
were only to stay two days and then the critters took 
it into their heads to stay a week. 

Lord R. — Fancy now — rather hard on you, eh? 

Ned. — Gee. You don't do that English accent as 
well as I do. 

{Enter Betty and Will.) 

Betty. — How are you, Lord Ransome ? What must 
you think of us all? 

J. F. &B.3664 xix 



Lord R. — Ah, Miss Betty, it is good to see you 
again, and I really am not a bit shocked, only much 
amused, now that I see how things are going. It wa*s 
a bit difficult, being on the outside you know? 

Betty. — You poor thing, I should think so. Tell 
me about your reception. 

Lord R. — Well, you see, first the butler insisted that 
I was expected. 

Betty. — Of course, he thought you were the coach. 

Lord R. — Exactly. And then a demented member 
of the household gave me quite a start, you know, 
but she seemed quite harmless after all. 

All. — Demented ? 

Lord R. — Yes, tall girl with wild eyes, who kept 
talking about killing men without remorse and laughed 
in quite a horrid way, you know. I left the room 
while she was in it. (Expression of all change from 
amazement to mirth as he talks — all laugh.) 

Betty. — Oh, she isn't crazy, that's Olivia. 

Lord R. — Olivia ? 

Betty. — Yes, one of our friends. 

Ned (savagely). — The one who came to meet you. 

Betty (to Ned).— Keep still, Ned. (To Lord R.) 
She was only rehearsing her part for some amateur 
theatricals that we are getting up for to-night. 

Lord R. — Well, I certainly am relieved. 

Betty. — What happened next? 

Lord R. — Your father happened next, and I had 
a terrible time convincing him that I was not the 
coach, but myself. 

Betty. — Oh, dear, then father knows. Hasn't any- 
body tried to stop him, before he gives the whole thing 
away? 

Will. — Yes, Jimmy went. 
Betty. — Well what now? 
Ned. — That's what we want you to tell us. 
Betty.— Why, it's perfectly simple. It wouldn't 
be, if Lord Ransome were not such a good sport, but 

J. F. & B. 3664 xx 



fortunately for us all, he is. 

Lord R. (bowing low and smiling). — Thank you. 
Miss Betty. 

Betty. — Will, call the family together for a moment 
please. This must be concerted action on our part. 
"United we stand, divided we fall." (Exit Will.) 

Lord Ransome, what is your other title? The one 
you told us about last summer, that you almost never 
use? 

Lord R. — Oh, you mean Viscount Ransome? 

Betty. — Yes, that's the one. Are you willing to 
leave arrangements in my hands if I promise not to 
do anything rash, to extricate the whole family from 
this scrape? 

Lord R. — Most certainly. Miss Betty. I'm game, 
you know. 

Betty. — Thanks. (Enter Mr. S.-B., Mrs. S.-B., 
Will, James and Dorothy.) Listen, everybody, care- 
fully. This (pointing to Lord R.) is the Viscount 
Ransome, a cousin of Lord Ransome (nods to Ned). 
Xed is to have received word that his cousin is to be 
here for luncheon to-day. Not only will that solve 
our problem of an embarrassing riches of Lordships, 
but Mrs. Montgomery will be simply prostrated with 
the announcement that another scion of a noble house 
is to be among us. 

All. — Hurrah for Betty. 

Ned. — That girl is a wonder. 

Betty. — Now, remember your parts, everybody, 
I'm off to call the Montgomerys. (Exit Betty.) 

Will. — I'm afraid we'll have to exile you again, 
Ransome, old man, but at least this time, you need 
not have to fear lunatics and you'll soon be welcomed 
in our midst. Just go into this ante-room now, until 
the moment is ripe for your discovery. 

(Exit Lord R.) 

(Enter Betty, Mrs. M. and Olivia.) 

Betty. — Oh, what do you suppose, everybody? 
Lord Ransome has the most exciting news for us. You 
tell them (turning to Ned). 

J. F. & B 3664 xxi 



Ned. — Aw, you see, I've had word from my — from 
m y — (pauses, James and Will signal "cousin" to him 
frantically from opposite sides of the room, and he 
turns from one to the other making sign "what" with 
his lips. Mrs. M. observes this.) 

Betty. — Mrs. Montgomery, don't notice this attack. 
It's a very painful facial contortion, that he's suffered 
with from his childhood. It comes over him often, 
suddenly, just like this. I'm afraid (steps hard on 
Ned's foot) that he's going to have it again. 

(Ned, looking directly at Mrs. Montgomery, makes 
sign "what" zuith his lips several times. Smythe- 
Brown family struggle to control their laughter as 
Mrs. M. looks at them.) 

Mrs. M. — Dear me, I'm very sorry for this attack, 
Lord Ransome, you must be overtired. 

James. — Yes, that's it Mrs. Montgomery. He is 
both overtired and excited about his cousin's coming 
(winks at Ned). 

Mrs. M. — His cousin? 

Ned. — Yes, that is what I started to say, when I 
for — felt this attack coming on. You see my cousin, 
the Viscount Ransome, an awfully good sort, sent 
word to me that he would be in the city to-day, and 
through the hospitality of Will has been invited to 
stay here. In fact (looks at watch) he should be here 
now. 

Will. — Let's have Thomas in (rings). He may 
have stowed him away somewhere while we were out 
walking. 

(Enter Thomas.) 

Thomas, did a gentleman come here this morning? 

Thomas. — Yes, sir, and I told him to- wait in here, 
according to your instructions. 

Will. — But my instructions referred to the coach 
for the play and not to the Viscount Ransome. 

Thomas. — Beg pardon, sir? (Looks at Ned.) 

J.F. &B.3664 XXJi 



Will. — I said the Viscount Ransome, Thomas, see 
if his Lordship is not in the ante-room? 

(Exit Thomas and re-enter with Lord Ransome.) 

Thomas. — This way, sir. 

Ned (to Lord R.). — Hello, old chap, glad to see 
you. You must meet all these good people, who are 
so hospitable to us. 

Thomas (dazed). — Then he isn't the coach? 

Olivia (horrified). — And he isn't a strange man? 

James (sarcastically). — And he isn't even a burglar. 

Ned. — No, he's just 

Lord R. (bowing). — Viscount Ransome, at your 
service. 

Maid. — Luncheon is served. 
C 14 r tain. 



J. F. & B. 3664 



JAN 27 1913 



FISCHER'S EDITION No. 3642a 
Dedicated to ERNEST THOMPSON SETON 



Words by A 
HAROLD DORNING 

(Copyrighted) 
Used by permission 
Marciale, 
-1 



Song- of the Scout 

Music by 
ALFRED J.SILVER 

Mus.Doc.Dunelm. 




1. This is r a song of the 

2. A song in praise of the 

3. A song in praise of the 

4. So lets give a heart - y 




Scout- So._ man - ly, — sturdy, and__ stout! ' 

Scout! His_ life makes a man_ of the lout; 

Scout '.That he's worth -y there is no doubt; 

shout For the free, clean _ life of the Scout-, His 




Swing- ing a - long 
Strong of_ limb 

Ev - er cheer 

work, his_ life, 



in the 

and 

and 
is 



ft 



o - pen air, Ev-er 
clear of brain, "Be Pre. 
ev - er bright, Each 
cause and creed, In 




read - y to do and dare,_ Stick to r his law and _ 
pared," is his watchword plain,— Quick to act, without 
task he doeswithheart so light-, For Truth andRight , with _ 
camp.cn track,by stream or mejid, Making boys jnen .in 




dan -ger share, _ To bear his part_for self no care _f 
thought of gain, ( — On field or track, in sun or rain_ 
God his might,Gainstim - pure— deeds and words to fight- 
word and deed, _ A help-er true to all in need-Hur- 

poco nt ^ „ a tempo 



Such is thework of the Scout!- Such is tfieworkof the Scout! 

Such is the life of the Scout! — Such is the life of the Scout! 

Such is the creed bf the ScoutL_ Such is thecreedof the Scout! 

rah! for the life of the Scout !Hur-rah!forthe life of the Scout! 

Copyright, 1912, by J. Fischer & Bro. 

British Copyright Secured. Eigentumdes TZrtegvrsfur alle Lander 

Vocal part $2.03 per 100 (single copies .05) 

Song with Piano accompaniment net .27 (discount deducted | 

PUBLISHED BY 

J. FISCHER & BRO., 7, 8 & 11, Bible House, NEW YORK 

BREITKOPF & HARTEL, 54, Great Marlborou 8 n St., London, W. 



Fischer's Edition 



Plays, Dialogues, Drills, Monologues, Recitations, etc. 



1456 Knaves and Fools. Comedy for males A. J. Schindler .25 

1457 The Discontented Sisters. Comedy for females . . . A. J. Schindler .20 

3259 Kris Kringle. Play for females A. J. Schindler .25 

3260 Lily and Rosebud. Play for males and females A. J. Schindler .25 

3261 Our Merry Making Minstrels. Play for males A. J. Schindler .25 

3262 The Golden Slipper. Play for females A- J. Schindler .25 

3263 Cousin Charlie. Play for male and females . . . A. J. Schindler .25 

3264 A Grain of Salt. Play for males A. J. Schindler .25 

3265 Little Mischief. Play for females A. J. Schindler .25 

3266 Tim and Tom. Play for males A. J. Schindler .25 

3372 The Old Ship. Dialogue for 3 boys Clara J. Denton .20 

3373 Seeing Uncle Jack. Comedy for females Clara J. Denton .25 

1-2-ia The Hoe Drill. Drill for Boys ) rM t r» * oe 

3374 The Club Drill. Baseball Bat Drill f Clara h Dent ° n * 2S 

3377 Flower Drill. For girls Clara J. Denton .15 

3378 The Birthdays. A Lincoln and Washington Birthday 

Dialogue for boys and girls Clara J. Denton .10 

3379 Sammie's Lesson. Dialogue for boy and girl. For Flag- 
day etc Clara J. Denton .15 

3380 The Yellow Law. Play for girls and boys. For 

Thanksgiving day Clara J. Denton .20 

3381 Three Recitations. For Washington-Lincoln, etc. 

celebrations Clara J. Denton .15 

3497 A Rural Telephone. Monologue for lady Jessie A. Kelley .35 

3556 De Trouble Begins at Nine. A negro farce for 2 

males Chat. White .15 

3557 The Train to Mauro. Comic Dialogue for males and 

female S. A. Frost .15 

3558 No Peddlers Wanted. Comic Dialogue for males 15 

3559 A Cup of Tea. A comedietta for males and female Albert Smith .15 

3560 The Great Arrival. A farce for males G. W. H. Griffin .15 

3561 Aunt Charlotte's Maid. A farce for males and 

females J. M. Morton .15 

3562 All that Glitters is not Gold. Comic Drama for 

males and females Thomas and J. M. Morton .15 

3563 No Cure, No Pay. Farce for males G. W. H. Griffin .15 

3564 Mischievous Bob. Comic Drama for males 15 

3565 Aunt Vinegar's Money. A dialogue for females Arzalea Hunt .10 

3566 Handy Andy. Drama for males and females W. R.*Floyd .15 



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